So last night my car died in the middle of a busy intersection. It was towed to Saturn, and today they tell me the transmission is totally gone. Just dead. RIP. Lets nuke the car.

Well, it's very expensive to repair because of the amount of work they need to do on it, and my lawsuit says Saturn will cover 100%... but the dealership is saying 75% because I'm not the original owner. My copy of the paperwork says otherwise. Huge debate.

This also lands me out of a job once again, because the people I work for depend on me. Without me, they are also in trouble. So they are likely going to switch to daycare. Which I totally understand, and I don't fault them for anything. It's a terrible situation for all of us.

I'm waiting for the punch line, the big "APRIL FOOLS! Here's your car and income back!" but I know it won't come.

Edit: This is not, by any means, meant to be a negative entry. I am fine, see? I'm okay. my mood is someone hugging someone else. I mean seriously. I just got done saying how happy I was in my previous entry. I am merely stating that I went through bad times, but I'm happy. Thank you.

So it seems a few readers of my previous journal read some things the wrong way. I cannot fault them entirely, as miscomprehension may often mean the writer did not word something well enough. Which, when it comes to my feelings, is very often the case.

The "family that betrayed me" that I mentioned earlier was pointed at one specific member, one that I hate to even consider part of it. Because they helped drive me into a few-year depression that took a hell of a lot to get me out of, including secret therapy sessions with a friend's mother and the school psychologist. Not a fun time, not a fun time at all. I'm still trying to believe that I am someone worthy of being loved, and I thank Matt, Ginn (& the kids!), and Nick specifically for their patience and undying support in this.

So, sorry for not being specific, but I assumed that the reader(s) would be able to tell whether or not they betrayed me. Funny thing.

I harbor quite a few feelings of doubt and unhappiness. I am really happy here, and I am in love not just with a person but the entire area I live in. I love waking up and seeing mountains outside my window. I love hearing kids playing in the streets. I feel that my soul is at peace here. Life is hard, but money isn't the issue when it comes to my happiness. What affects it so greatly is the daily battle I face when I reflect on the events that brought me here. I can't get over the past until I come to peace with it, but some things done, some words exchanged, some tears shed, will haunt me for a long time. I have nightmares. I have bad days. But I also have good days and sweet dreams.

I have a friend who changes the subject when I am being too depressing (whether he does it because he knows it's exactly what I need or because he just does that by nature...). I have two friends who will offer me insight on the human psyche, then hug me until my lungs are crushed. I have three little friends who don't even know wtf I'm talking about and will hug and kiss me because their faces light up every time they see me, even though I'm there 4 days a week. And I have a friend who was so concerned about me that he made a 3-hour road trip in the middle of the night just to make sure I had one good day.

I will strive to find all the good in life, because I want to and I have to. If I don't, I'm going to be right back where I started, be the girl who doesn't want to get out of bed each morning, the one who sees nothing in her future. I don't want to be that girl ever again. Because I've turned into a strong woman who knows where she stands and where she is going, who isn't afraid to get out of bed and face the new day.

Have a good day

Fanny

Working on -

Cross Dresser and Beast Infection - on hold, practicing drawing scales
Surly Seaman - pose work

I know I haven't said much lately, which is why I feel the need to say a few things here, now, for you to have some small insight on my life, for those who care. Which, as I've learned as of late, seems to be a great deal of you. Thank you.

A few months ago I mentioned that I didn't know why I was here, why I hadn't given up, why I just sucked it up and dealt with my dreams falling into ruin. Just over a month ago, a small spark was lit that quickly grew brighter and brighter, until, a few days ago, I finally understood.

I suddenly find myself on a quirky walk of faith that is centered on the desire to be able to trust and forgive again. I used to do these things freely and easily, but somewhere along the way this ability was lost. Perhaps it was when I lost sight of a constant in my life. When my family and friends were quick to betray to me satisfy their own needs. When pushing me out the door was simpler than defending me.

I've been worried if staying here was the right thing to do. It would have been so easy to give up on trying to make it on my own. On trying to lead a life that I have control of. In that worry, I failed to realize that I had a team here rooting for me all along. Three people have blessed my life and changed me for the better, and they know who they are.

I've learned that love can take many forms, and it doesn't need to be complicated. You actually can be happy with someone just by being yourself. And somewhere out there, there is someone (whether they openly admit it or not...) who will love you for who you are and not want you to change. Most importantly, I've learned that it's all your experiences - the good and the bad - that make up who you are.

So now when I feel like everything is spinning out of control, I think of my new constants: the family who took me in and accepted me without really knowing me, who I grew to love, and the truly special person down the street. Now, when I worry, I count my blessings.

Working on...

Cross Dresser and Beast Infection (Still pencils)
Secret Artwork (Pencils)
Something Special (Inks)

So... free sketch at 10k?

No more subscription... not really motivated to get a new one.

Working on...

- Hericane (Colors... nearly done)
- Cross Dresser and Beast Infection (Lineart... details)
- Secret Artwork (Inks)

That's all folks!